Before my radio got stolen I heard a programme about “The Bucket List” and “The Fuck it List” (the latter sanitised to “Forget it List” for the sake of the BBC Radio 4 listener). The man presenting suggested we would not necessarily agree with all of his choices for either (I certainly didn’t) and urged us to think of our own. So here in no particular order of preference is my “Bucket List” of 30 things I want to do before they tell me I am dying.
1 To earn some money from these writings, and
2 To own my own home with allotments and geese and chickens…
3 To be self-sufficient.
4 To take the dog for a walk and shoot the bastard dead.
5 To find a cure for blepharitis.
6 To turn a deaf ear to Brexit.
7 To turn a blind eye to Trump.
8 To own a fancy car.
9 To learn to drive it.
10 To own a piano again.
11 To learn to play it.
12 To see Scotland win the World Cup.
13 To see peace from the so-called Islamic State.
14 To ban the words so-called.
15 To be able to make love like I once could.
16 To quit smoking.
17 To see my parents again and tell them I’m sorry.
18 To reform the corrupt governments of third-world countries so that their peoples can live their lives in peace with a roof over their heads and food in their bellies.
19 To reform the system in my own country so that its people can live their lives in peace with a roof over their heads and food in their bellies.
20 To go before my children.
21 To see all the people who caused me to be where I am see what it’s like to be where I am.
22 To buy a beautiful woman a bunch of expensive and beautiful flowers each and every day I love her.
23 To see her loving me and being proud of me for picking myself up, rebuilding my life, giving her a home with allotments and chickens and enjoying living in it and off it with me.
24 To champion the underdog and to be the undisputed champion of champions of the underdog.
25 To write the greatest story ever told.
26 To visit every single country in the world.
27 To live long enough to see my grandchildren grow into adults.
28 To receive some sort of award or accolade for something I’ve written.
29 To some day maybe have television again, but for now…
30 To get a new radio.